I've thought suicide in a semi-serious fashion more regularly than i'm comfortable with in the last month or two.
I fucked up last semester.. Basically in Chem. Fucked up in the third exam, and then couldn't get the material together for that material's presence on the final. 2.5'd. :/
Caught hell at home. Makes sense. I get it, y'know? They pay, I fucked up. It wasn't intentional, or even slacking. I worked, I just misjudged.
So, I caught shit from the stock. Took it for all of winter break, and up until I left..
I redouble, right? Well, I change my attitude, cut everything, and a lot of my friends.. Re-evaluate. Sit in the front in all my classes, hang with all those people..
Clock in like, 6-7 hours of studying a day, right?
So i'm in decent shape for my exams the coming week.
I decide to stay on campus (the first time ever!) for the weekend and study with all the people and resources at hand.. nobody says anything, they're cool with it.
Come Thursday; i've clocked the usual, and i'm at the end of hour 5 for studying for the big Chem exam next week. I'm making progress.
Kafuckingboom, my father calls me randomly and starts FREAKING THE FUCK out at me, claiming i've fucked up, am not delivering results, haven't done shit..
MY MOTHER sided with me. My mother. She never EVER does that. It's unreal. That means that shit is truly not my fault this time, honestly. I accept that every other time it has been, I get that.
So, he freaks. Then is like, "oh, nah, we're fine."
My mom and sister both tell me the same.
I get so confused and stressed by that, I just have to stop. I go eat, lay down, and sleep early, and have nightmares about suicide and failure all night.
So, big surprise, right, I wake up.
I'm getting over it.
Start putting in study time.. my sister decides she wants to Skype. I'm cool with that. I'm really close to my sister. We talk. My mom is around, we talk also. All is good.
Then my mom suggests i talk to my dad, claims he misses me. :/
So I try. He's being semi-jokingly mean to me, and i'm like, "he's just trolling cause I didn't come home to hang out with him."
Loses. His. Shit. Again.
:/
So now, i'm freaking again, having palpitations and shit.
And I just can't.
My palms are sweating, lump in the throat.
I feel like I need to run.
I just don't know.
I really, really want/need/plan to do perfect this semester.
I'm gonna get as damn close as I can.
Then i'm gonna ask them to cosign a loan for me, and move out.
Do this on my own.
I can't live under the dissonance.
It's my fault.
I'm weak, right, but.. What can I say? I've always had thin skin, I can't handle things.
If I do poorly.. I'm honestly worried that I won't be able to go home.
I considered, and am actually considering offing myself.
That's horrifying.
I even realize how cowardly that makes me seem, logically. I don't think i'm gonna do it. They say that the people that talk about it never actually do.
But I am thinking about it more than seems healthy.
If I do poorly, slip up.. I'm scared to say it might be an option.
If i hadn't stopped to type this up, I don't know what i'd do.
I wish I had made myself better before the consequences were this heavy.
I fucked up in the past, never atoned.
I'm weak for it.
Sometimes, I look back at that, feel the shame, and wish for death.
And that's pathetic, I know.
